A Genderqueer Butch Fag in the South

My Evolving Queer Masculinity

As you might have noticed from some of my previous posts, ever since I’ve been coming to terms with and exploring my attraction to butches*, I’ve been developing more and more of what I suppose is a gay boi gender identity.

I’ve been having a difficult time navigating the task of making my presentation and my affect more reflective of my identity.  I’ve been feeling a bit of a disconnect lately with the way I’ve been presenting for a long time, and I’m trying to figure out how to fix that.  I think that I’m transitioning from more of a tough, hard masculinity to more of a soft, sensitive masculinity.

This is a complicated process because it involves re-examining some traditionally feminine trappings that I have long since rejected for a lot of reasons. 
When I first started presenting as butch full-time, it was the culmination of years and years of struggling with forced feminization from my family and my inability to be happy while being read as a feminine girl.  I didn’t have the language to describe it then, but I now understand that I was struggling from an enormous amount of internal and social dysphoria.  Being read as a feminine girl/woman was extremely distressing to me because I was being misgendered. 

Accordingly, I began to eschew most of the feminine things I had tried, very unsuccessfully, to enjoy for so long.  Over time, I transitioned my wardrobe to exclusively men’s clothing.  I stopped wearing eyeliner and eyeshadow and nail polish.  I cut my hair short. I stopped wearing rings, bracelets, and necklaces. At the time, doing all of these things was an enormous relief.  It was like breathing after holding my breath for a very, very long time.  For the first time in my life, I felt at home in my clothes and my presentation.
I certainly don’t regret doing these things; at the time, it was absolutely necessary for my emotional survival.

A lot of things have changed since then, fortunately.  And top surgery has given me the blessing of feeling infinitely more at home in my body and more comfortable with my entire being.  And now that I am finally in a place where my masculinity feels so solid and safe, doors that were once closed are suddenly opening. 
I’m feeling the need to tweak my butch presentation into more of an effeminate/fem butch presentation.  I’ve already tried a few things, with varying degrees of success.  It’s difficult to find the right balance, though, and I am quickly finding that the error part of trial and error comes with some pretty intense bouts of dysphoria.

I’ve been trying to think of a way to avoid that, and I think I’ve just come to the conclusion that it’s a necessary evil right now.  This trial and error is a necessary part of my self-discovery process, so for right now I’m just going to have to pay the price of occasional bouts of dysphoria.

Things I’ve figured out so far:

• I still have little or zero interest in wearing any clothing that comes out of the women’s clothing section.
• I actually really enjoy jewelry, I’m just extremely picky when it comes to what I want to wear.  Lately I’ve been wearing a silver pendant necklace that I’ve grown very fond of and even a cool, masculine ring I found.  I’ve always loved accessories that can be used to tie an outfit together, so this has been an exciting discovery for me.
• Eyeliner is okay occasionally, but it kind of depends on my mood.  Sometimes I like the way it makes me look, and sometimes it just makes me feel dysphoric.  I haven’t quite pinpointed yet what exactly makes the latter occur.
• I still really love my short, buzzed haircut.  I may grow it out a bit in the winter, but it will still be a short cut.  Long hair has never, and will never, feel right for me.
• As aforementioned, I think I want to get a nose ring.  Not a nose stud, as that’s not the aesthetic I’m looking for and is, to me, too feminine for the look I’m going for.  (Granted, if I do wind up getting a nose ring, I’m sure I will eventually have to use a stud when I go job searching)
• I really enjoy having my ears pierced. I was thinking for a while that I might stretch them a tiny bit (probably to an 8ish at the biggest), and I may still do that, but for right now I’m really happy with the look of two 16g piercings on each lobe.  Especially with two steel, captive-bead earrings, because then those match my other steel/steel-colored accessories, and that makes me extremely happy.  Matching accessories FTW.

I believe that’s it.  I may document my various places in this journey with pictures; I haven’t decided yet.  I think it really helps give me an idea of how my presentation might be perceived from the outside.

If I do decide to do that, and start posting pictures of myself in various types of fem boi/fem butch presentations I ask that any comments made be respectful.  If you misgender me, there will be hell to pay.  Me experimenting with my presentation does not make me any less of a butch.

*In this post and similar ones in the future, I will likely use “butch*/butches*” as shorthand for butches, studs, tomboys, bois, masculine-identified women, and others of that ilk for the sake of brevity.  I do, of course, realize that these gender identities are not synonymous, and some can be overlapping for some people.  If anyone feels this is a problematic thing to do, please let me know and I will find another way to deal with this.

So I figured out why I don’t usually relate to other butch lesbians

butchfaggotry:

So I know that I feel the same way about femmes as I do straight women.  Good friends, but not really interested in relationship wise, which can end up being awkward.  

But I’ve always been surprised how much I don’t usually relate to other butches and tend to relate more to trans people and gay men.  

It’s like this.

Butches who are into femme or androgynous femme people band together to have this sort of lesbro brotherhood.  They talk about women in ways that, as far as I’ve seen, model straight guys.  A lot have the party boy/ frat boy kind of look and mannerisms.  

And I’m like the gay guy among all the straight guys.  I’m not supposed to be interested in people like them.  And I don’t really relate with their attractions.  

Jesus christ.  I’m like the gay within the gays.  *headdesk*

Shit, I identify with this so much.  I mean, I love the hell out of butch camaraderie, because it’s so damn rare in these parts, but I often feel like an outsider at the same time. 

I mean, first off, I fucking hate the misogyny in and of itself, and then I feel out of sync with them because I am just… really disinterested in femmes, generally.

Jesus

Sometimes I am just such a fucking sub.

Okay maybe all the time.

Resources for FAAB, Non-Male Identified People Who Want Top Surgery

—PLEASE REBLOG THIS—

This is a compilation of resources for female-assigned-at-birth (FAAB), non-male identified people who want top surgery.  This document will include a list of surgeons who are willing to perform top surgery on genderqueer/non-male-identified people, as well as a list of blogs of people who want top surgery or have had top surgery but are not male-identified.

 This information has been collected from a variety of sources.  If there is something you see that needs to be added or corrected, please let me know.  I want to make this list as comprehensive as possible!

SURGEONS (Those who are italicized do NOT require a therapist’s letter)

• Dr. Medalie – Cleveland, OH – http://www.clevelandplasticsurgery.com/transgender-surgery  
• Dr. Garramone – Sunrise, FL – http://www.drgarramone.com/transgenderflorida/  – Has been known to operate on explicitly female-identified people
• Dr. Raphael – Plano, TX – http://www.ai4ps.com/procedures/transgender/female-to-male-mastectomy/  – Has been known to operate on explicitly female-identified people
• Dr. Steinwald – Lake Forest, IL – http://www.lfplasticsurgery.com/plastic-surgery/chest-masculinization.cfm – Has been known to operate on explicitly female-identified people
• Dr. Fischer – Timonium, MD – http://www.beverlyfischer.com/default.html  – Letter requirements depend on the patient
• Dr. Ceber – Melbourne, Australia – Letter requirements unknown
• Dr. Mclean – Mississauga, Ontario – http://www.mcleanclinic.com/ftm.php
• Dr. Brownstein – San Francisco, CA – http://www.brownsteinmd.com/   – Letter requirements depend on the patient – Has been known to operate on explicitly female-identified people
• Dr. Buckley – Minneapolis, MN – Letter requirements unknown

THERAPISTS

• Katy Koonce – Katy is willing to do phone sessions with and write letters for people all over the US.  Her contact information can be found here: http://katykoonce.com/contact.htm

YOUTUBES

• Ceointhe415 – http://www.youtube.com/user/ceointhe415/videos
• Weirdopal1 – http://www.youtube.com/user/weirdopal1/videos
• Ashtreechill – http://www.youtube.com/user/ashtreechill/videos – A butch who has had top surgery
• PerpetualTomboy – http://www.youtube.com/user/perpetualtomboy – A straight, female-identified tomboy who wants top surgery

TUMBLRS

• Butchinthesouth - http://butchinthesouth.tumblr.com/tagged/top+surgery

OTHER

• How to Bring Your Kids Up Queer – A blog written by Paige Schilt, whose wife, Katy Koonce (the therapist mentioned above), has had top surgery.  Check the “gender” tag for relevant entries.   http://howtobringyourkidsupqueer.blogspot.com/search/label/Gender
• Transbucket – http://www.transbucket.com/ – This site provides pictures of top surgery results.  A login is required.
• WPATH (World Professional Association for Transgender Health) – This is a link to the new Standards of Care, which has provisions for gender-non-conforming people who want top surgery.      http://www.wpath.org/publications_standards.cfm
• http://neutrois.me/tag/top-surgery/ – Blog written by an FTN (female-to-neutrois) individual who has had top surgery
• http://straighttomboy.blogspot.com/ - Blog by the same person who runs the PerpetualTomboy youtube page.

Random thoughts about packing

goldengray:

brb buyin’ a packer. :D Should be here tomorrow!

In case it’s not obvious, warning for TMI beneath the cut. I don’t think anyone who reads this really knows me in real life, but if you don’t want to know… you have been warned.

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Man, are you sure we’re not the same person?  Haha. 

“This is more a sexuality thing than a gender/body thing for me.”  <— Me too!  I’m not sure I’ve ever actually put it into words, but it’s totally true. 

I think, when it comes down to it, I just find gender play wicked hot.  And I think packing is one of my favorite forms of gender play.  I’ve packed off and on for the last several years (usually just when I’m going out to a club/party/etc), and I’ve found it definitely “revs my engines”, too. 

I’ve yet to have a FAAB* butch or genderqueer partner (sexually or otherwise), but I think I would find it really hot for them to pack, too.

*I realize this term is problematic in terms of intersex erasure, but sometimes it really is the easiest way to put it.  If someone is aware of a similar-but-better term, please let me know of it.

goldengray:

In which I livejournal/ramble like helllll about all the usual topics. Don’t blame you if you’re bored by now.

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Agh, I identify so much with so many of the things you mentioned.  I never know how to feel about being read as male anymore either.  It is satisfying, though, like you, I have a hard time figuring out why.  I think it’s satisfying to me because it confirms that people are reading me as a masculine person, and that’s validating, because… well… I am.  I think that’s the same reason that I also feel frustrated sometimes when strangers call me “ma’am”.  It almost feels like they’re not really seeing me.  Is it so much to ask to be a sir but also be a she and a her?  

Agh, I struggle with the not-trans-enough thing all the time, too.  Actually, even more so after surgery, since most of my dysphoria is gone.  I think the conclusion that I’ve come to is that I can, indeed, reconcile using female pronouns and being genderqueer.  In the end, it’s about what I know to be true for myself. I just have to keep reminding myself of that when I feel insecure/not-trans-enough.

Processing Top Surgery: Butch on Butch* Attraction

This is a post I’ve been meaning to make for quite some time.  Months, really.  I’m just having a hard time putting all my thoughts about it together in a coherent way.  That, and my recent breakup has made me hesitant to publicly discuss my attraction to other people, even in just a general way, for fear of hurting C’s feelings.  My evolving attraction to butches is something that C and I actually discussed on more than one occasion while we were together, so it’s not like it’s going to come as a surprise to her, but I still want to be respectful to her and her feelings.  That being said, I’ve increasingly felt like this is a part of me that I need to put out there, to have other people know and acknowledge about me. 

Thus, C, you may want to skip reading the rest of this post.  I will put the majority of it behind a cut.

For the sake of brevity, I’m going to use “butch*” to mean butches, bois, studs, dykes, genderqueers, genderfucks,  etc.  I do not, by any means, think these identities are the same (though of course they can overlap!), I am just attracted to the masculinity in all of them.

TMI warning: After the cut there’s talk of porn, top/bottom dynamics, stone butch identity, and penetration.

I want to stress that this is my experience, and my experience only. I do not speak for other butches*.

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