My Evolving Queer Masculinity
As you might have noticed from some of my previous posts, ever since I’ve been coming to terms with and exploring my attraction to butches*, I’ve been developing more and more of what I suppose is a gay boi gender identity.
I’ve been having a difficult time navigating the task of making my presentation and my affect more reflective of my identity. I’ve been feeling a bit of a disconnect lately with the way I’ve been presenting for a long time, and I’m trying to figure out how to fix that. I think that I’m transitioning from more of a tough, hard masculinity to more of a soft, sensitive masculinity.
This is a complicated process because it involves re-examining some traditionally feminine trappings that I have long since rejected for a lot of reasons.
When I first started presenting as butch full-time, it was the culmination of years and years of struggling with forced feminization from my family and my inability to be happy while being read as a feminine girl. I didn’t have the language to describe it then, but I now understand that I was struggling from an enormous amount of internal and social dysphoria. Being read as a feminine girl/woman was extremely distressing to me because I was being misgendered.
Accordingly, I began to eschew most of the feminine things I had tried, very unsuccessfully, to enjoy for so long. Over time, I transitioned my wardrobe to exclusively men’s clothing. I stopped wearing eyeliner and eyeshadow and nail polish. I cut my hair short. I stopped wearing rings, bracelets, and necklaces. At the time, doing all of these things was an enormous relief. It was like breathing after holding my breath for a very, very long time. For the first time in my life, I felt at home in my clothes and my presentation.
I certainly don’t regret doing these things; at the time, it was absolutely necessary for my emotional survival.
A lot of things have changed since then, fortunately. And top surgery has given me the blessing of feeling infinitely more at home in my body and more comfortable with my entire being. And now that I am finally in a place where my masculinity feels so solid and safe, doors that were once closed are suddenly opening.
I’m feeling the need to tweak my butch presentation into more of an effeminate/fem butch presentation. I’ve already tried a few things, with varying degrees of success. It’s difficult to find the right balance, though, and I am quickly finding that the error part of trial and error comes with some pretty intense bouts of dysphoria.
I’ve been trying to think of a way to avoid that, and I think I’ve just come to the conclusion that it’s a necessary evil right now. This trial and error is a necessary part of my self-discovery process, so for right now I’m just going to have to pay the price of occasional bouts of dysphoria.
Things I’ve figured out so far:
- I still have little or zero interest in wearing any clothing that comes out of the women’s clothing section.
- I actually really enjoy jewelry, I’m just extremely picky when it comes to what I want to wear. Lately I’ve been wearing a silver pendant necklace that I’ve grown very fond of and even a cool, masculine ring I found. I’ve always loved accessories that can be used to tie an outfit together, so this has been an exciting discovery for me.
- Eyeliner is okay occasionally, but it kind of depends on my mood. Sometimes I like the way it makes me look, and sometimes it just makes me feel dysphoric. I haven’t quite pinpointed yet what exactly makes the latter occur.
- I still really love my short, buzzed haircut. I may grow it out a bit in the winter, but it will still be a short cut. Long hair has never, and will never, feel right for me.
- As aforementioned, I think I want to get a nose ring. Not a nose stud, as that’s not the aesthetic I’m looking for and is, to me, too feminine for the look I’m going for. (Granted, if I do wind up getting a nose ring, I’m sure I will eventually have to use a stud when I go job searching)
- I really enjoy having my ears pierced. I was thinking for a while that I might stretch them a tiny bit (probably to an 8ish at the biggest), and I may still do that, but for right now I’m really happy with the look of two 16g piercings on each lobe. Especially with two steel, captive-bead earrings, because then those match my other steel/steel-colored accessories, and that makes me extremely happy. Matching accessories FTW.
I believe that’s it. I may document my various places in this journey with pictures; I haven’t decided yet. I think it really helps give me an idea of how my presentation might be perceived from the outside.
If I do decide to do that, and start posting pictures of myself in various types of fem boi/fem butch presentations I ask that any comments made be respectful. If you misgender me, there will be hell to pay. Me experimenting with my presentation does not make me any less of a butch.
*In this post and similar ones in the future, I will likely use “butch*/butches*” as shorthand for butches, studs, tomboys, bois, masculine-identified women, and others of that ilk for the sake of brevity. I do, of course, realize that these gender identities are not synonymous, and some can be overlapping for some people. If anyone feels this is a problematic thing to do, please let me know and I will find another way to deal with this.
